Haaaayyyy Backup Supremes!!  Welcome back from Winter Break 2011-2012!!  Let's get into the groove with tonight's snooze-o-rama episode of Atlanta's Housewives.

Honestly, and why would I lie about the Housewives, not much happened.  However, Phaedra did leave us with some zingers, but more on that later.

A majority of the episode was devoted to Cynthia and Papa Smurf trying to keep their one year marriage going.  They talked about their problems at the Salsa lesson, and later with the minister who officiated their Barnum and Bailey wedding.  Um, aren't these individuals are trying to get new businesses off the ground .. who's minding the store? 

Kandi met up with JoDee Messina so that they can start writing songs together.  Kandi believes that her brand of man-bashing, no scrubs music will do well with the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill crowd.

Kim is still unpacking all the boxes in her RENTED dream home.  While bratty Brielle texted and made snotty comments, Kim began unboxing her Versace china.  Yes, her 1990's, new money with no brain, looking like something even Tamar Braxton would call sad, Versace china.  Will Kroy, Kim and family actually be eating off of this china?  Stop in the name of we live in a $8,000 a month rented house that is beginning to look like a showroom at Rooms To Go!

And speaking of tasteless fake, Nene and Marlo finally met up for drinks.  During their conversation, Marlo casually mentions that she has been arrested SEVEN times, but only five of those were for parole violations!  [Thank goodness!  Did this little fact escape Bravo's employment background check?]  When Nene tries to obtain additional information, Miss Marlo would only state that she got into a fight with a girl at a club.  Later on, Nene attends one of the fakest of fake jewelry parties, which is trying to raise money for the environment.  One woman was trying to explain to Nene how her jewelry was influenced by the Dali Lama.  Well, the woman could have said Dairy Queen and Nene would have not known the difference.

She By Sheree and her t-shirt only appears briefly, and that is to introduce Kim to the wonders of juicing and yoga.

But at the end of the snooz-o-rama, there is alarm clock glowing brightly in the distance, Miss Phaedra and the preparations for her new business venture, Fantasy Funerals!  According to Attorney At Large Parks, these will be "funerals worth dying for .. let's throw them in the ground with a bang!"  Throughout the episode, the viewer is on pins and needles, wondering if Apollo will join the family business.  Ultimately he agrees to serve as the funeral home counselor [as if he had any choice].  As Phaedra states in the end, "we gonna put the boom in the tomb!"

See You Next Week Backup Supremes!

Call Him Miss Ross! 

HAYYYYYYYY!!  OK, tonight Bravo decided to show a "special Tuesday night episode" of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  I'm not sure why they didn't just replace Sunday's useless show with tonight's low impact drama.  Besides, whenever I hear the description "special episode," I'm positive that Blair from The Facts Of Life will start drinking, while Punky Brewster has to learn that being an adult can be just as hard.  Does anyone else remember those "very special" sitcom episodes where ultimately somebody had to learn some tired old lesson in 22 minutes?  Almost as good as the "special Christmas" episodes!  But I digress ……..

She By Sheree was the star of tonight's episode, or more importantly, my questions about Sheree's financial status.  But first, we had to see Kim bring home Baby Kroy, only to find that her 14 year old looking 28 daughter, Brielle, has decided to turn up the volume on teenage brat 2011.  Brielle is rude to everyone, however, I believe that Bravo is training her to be the next housewife!  She was given her own confessions moment with the camera!  Can anyone say All About Eve?

Let's see, Cynthia and Nene were seen shopping, while Kandi was shown hosting her internet sex talk show.  Bravo, give us a break already!

Therefore, back to the owner of the dirt mound known as Chateau She By Sheree and my questions:

1. Sheree and her son [where is the young daughter] were shown living in a half way furnished apartment.  Why??  On the previous episode, the son was shown playing a video game, but now the tv is missing?  And when the son goes into his room, the mattress is on the floor?

2. Sheree has decided to ask Attorney Large and in Charge Phaedra to go after Bob for the child support.  She shows up driving a Porsche, and states this is her new car??  If you can afford a Porsche, why do you need child support?

3. Since Sheree's case may be a little more involved that simply throwing the ex in jail, Phaedra states that she will have to bill Sheree, but at her reduced rate of $5000!!  Then Phaedra's staff has to chase Sheree all over Atlanta to get the payment.  Maybe Sheree thought Phaedra was going to come down to her car, so she could pull some money out of an envelope [see my recap of episode #6 for details]. 

4. When Sheree and Phaedra finally meet Bob in court, the ex-husband [who is representing himself!] brings a contempt of court motion on Sheree due to furniture he claims she stole.

Sheree's financial situation is more confusing than Teresa of New Jersey!  Who do I have to call for an audit?

Call Him Miss Ross! 

HAYYYYYYYY!!  OK …….. Fair readers, tonight's episode of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta continued to reveal why Miss Phaedra Parks needs her own talk show.  As with my obsession with New Jersey's Milania, Phaedra continues to bring me joy.  But onto the highlights:

Andy Cohen and Bravo are preparing us for a BIG blow up in Cynthia's family.  Both Cynthia and Peter are trying to start their own businesses, however, Peter is having some investor problems, to the tune of a $40,000 bounced check!  Does anybody remember something called a cashier's check??  Cynthia's sister, Malorie, knows that Peter will soon be asking Cynthia for money.

Another event that Bravo is prepping us, is the arrival of Kim and Kroy's baby!  However, is it just me, or does anybody else question why Kim, who has had two daughters and was supposedly a nurse, had to hire a "baby consultant," so that she could learn how to change a boy's diapers?  Am I missing something here?

Lady Attorney Large And In Charge, Miss Phaedra, went with She By Sheree to check on the construction of Chateau She By Sheree, which was just a plot of dirt.  Sheree is not happy and wants to move in by Christmas.  Lady Attorney gives subtle hints that the contractor might be meeting her in court if the Chateau is not finished on schedule.  And I quote, "Everybody knows that a builder will tell you anything to get the check.  They will blow smoke up your butt with a bubble blower if they have to."

In case anybody was wondering, She By Sheree treated us to two torn t-shirt Flashdance outfits!

Tonight's episode of Academy Award winning drama was topped off by Kandi's 35th birthday par-tay!  Sheree, Phaedra and Kandi were on one side, while Nene [yes she did actually say "I just enter and my prescense takes over the room"], Cynthia and Peter stayed on the other side.  Phaedra hires a "gifted" stripped who causes Kandi's Mom, Nene and Cynthia to leave the festivities.

Other quotable quips from our favorite Lady Attorney:

"Crazy as a vampire in the sunlight!" 

"Having a nice donkey boo-tay, is like having a carrot and dangling it in front of a horse."

When looking at the ensemble Miss Lawrence threw together to wear to Kandi's birthday par-tay, Phaedra remarks, "he looks like Mr. T dipped in Wonder Woman!  A Southern super hero!"

And my personal favorite:

"I never leave home without my taser, .. they better be glad I left the 357 in the car!" 

Milania be warned, somebody is stealing my heart!

Call Him Miss Ross! 

HAYYYYYYYY!!  OK …….. The third episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta was one large platter of crazy, with an extra basket of crescent rolls .. and I am truly thankful.

Let's just start with She By Sheree, who is begun to enter Nene's world of delusion.  She's building an 8,000 square foot house in "one of the most desirable neighborhoods in Atlanta?"  Where exactly are you talking about Sheree?  And this house, which she dubs "Chateau Sheree," will come with a gym, massage area, a dj, and a skating rink for the kids.  By the time the "Chateau" is built, those kids will be gone.

But more importantly, where is the money to build this casa?  And does anyone else find it a little strange, that Sheree is always wearing some version of that Flashdance chick's one shoulder lycra top with leggings?  She only changes out the tops .. white to meet Kim for lunch, grey or was it green for the contractor, yellow for the baby shower.

But poor Sheree can not be referred to as strange, when compared to the deliciousness known as Miss Phaedra!

Before I continue, is it just me, or does everyone think that these ladies google themselves at least 15 times a day?  They may not see each other for months, but everyone seemed to have the read about Apollo's police incident through the blogs [speaking of which - wonder if they ever read mine ].  One additional note, my favorite lady of laughter, Kathy Griffin, has stated that she can't wait to die, so that Phaedra can plan her funeral!

Back to the strange .. Apollo was stopped by the police, told to get out of his car, and pulled to the ground, all because of mistaken identity?  And when Kandi started asking questions, Phaedra did not want to talk?

Even stranger than that .. I just realized that Cynthia's baby daddy is Leon, THE LEON, who was in Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video.  Cynthia are you crazy??

But after making us experience one episode where Nene did not read someone like last week's People magazine, Bravo decides to unveil Kim Crazy 2.0!

Who has a FIVE HOUR baby shower?  The assembled crowd did not look like the type to participate in baby games. 

The supposedly new home in Roswell with 17,000 square feet!

The "artistic" photos at the baby shower!  My favorite was Kim, Kroy and the two girls, while Kim is wearing a bikini top and belly for days!

Kim's father trying to hard sell Phaedra on his legal "services."  I never understood what he was trying to sell .. did he want to be Phaedra's legal secretary?

Then we came to the blow up between Apollo and Peter .. that wasn't.  I DVR'd this episode and re-watched the blow up several times.  These men never really said anything!  "You got a problem? No I don't have a problem.  Do you have a problem" back and forth!

Atlanta Housewives – A HUGE THANKS!

Call Him Miss Ross 

HAYYYYY .. Ok, so I first thought last night’s episode was going to be a snoozer-loozer until we got to Kim’s birthday par-tay, but more on that in a moment.  For those who might want to fast forward, here is what happened in the first 40 minutes:

1.  Kandi, Nene and Cynthia [who is such a Nene suck up, it’s sickening] went to Miami, where they supposedly did not know it was Lesbian festival weekend.  RIIIIIIGHT!!  Nene repeatedly tells both ladies that she is RICH, RICH, RICH, so RICH that she looks into purchasing a $9 Mil dollar home in Miami.  Both Kandi and myself question Nene’s wealth since she still rents in Atlanta and the divorce from Greg is not complete.  To quote Miss Conjunction Junction, what is your function this season She By Sheree, “as fast as Nene can go up, she can come back down .. just like a stripper pole!”

2.  Besides telling everyone her financial status, Nene’s new catch phrase is “HATERS!”  Bye Haters, Love Haters, She currently lives in Atlanta, aka to Nene, HATERVILLE!

3.  Phaedra continues her quest to be Queen of the Dead.  When the owner of the funeral service mentions her mini skirt and the need to be dressed more appropriately, Phaedra just whips out her holy water and prayer cloth in order to cover her “luscious thighs” .. her words, I swear.  You can tell Ms. Parks really has the funeral business in her blood, or as she said last night, “I’m an expert at comforting someone in their time of need, especially if they have an insurance policy!”  Bless this woman of mercy!

4.  Sheree and about to pop Kim, who are now friends [????], meet at Stoney River, a restaurant less than 5 minutes from where I live!!  Of course we are reminded that Kim has to pee every hour on the hour – because she is the only woman in history to ever have a baby!

As I mentioned above, not much going on until we get to Kim’s surprise birthday par-tay [she now claims to be 33].  Attending the par-tay is Kandi, Sheree, and Phaedra, three woman who were not too favorable to Kim last season.  As I hinted last week, all four ladies read Nene and Cynthia.  They talk about Nene’s new wealth, and that Cynthia has no backbone.  Kandi has the nerve to say that she does not like to join in on the comments, but will laugh if somebody says something funny about Nene.

Next week .. Kim and Kroy’s baby shower, where a “fight” breaks out between Phaedra and Cynthia’s husbands!  HMMMM, Bravo, where have we seen this before?

Call Him Miss Ross!

HAYYYYYYY .. Call Him Miss Ross is back and so are my beloved Real Housewives of Atlanta!  Sooooooo, without further delay, here are my thoughts regarding the Season 4 premiere:

CYNTHIA has discovered the world of bangs [no longer that twelve inch forehead], while PHAEDRA has discovered the world of WTH?? necklaces.  Seriously, what was with that piece she wore to the funeral home?

Was anyone else confused about KIM'S living situation?  During the first part of the show, she talks about moving in with Kroy, and they show Mr. Man [her Mr. Man, not my pug, Roscoe ] moving all of her stored furniture into a moving van.  However, later in the show, KIM and family [minus Kroy], are shown inside the townhouse she's lived in for the past three seasons.  What happened to the dreamhome?  And don't you love that although we are four seasons into this show, and she is pregnant with Kroy's baby, KIM still has to bring up Big Poppa!!

A note for KANDI and BRAVO TV, stop trying to make KANDI'S interest in the sex toy industry a part of the storyline.  It's sounds stupid, fake, but most of all, BORING!!  KANDI, you are a Grammy Award winner, who has written several hit songs .. focus on that!

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that BRAVO TV and LOGO use the same set when they show one of their Housewives or A-Listers trying to record a song.  When SHE BY SHEREE met up with MISS LAWRENCE, I kept thinking, that is the same recording studio THE A-LIST used to show NYASHA recording her song.  And on a sad, sad side note, I am obsessed about LOGO's THE A-LIST DALLAS!

My prediction for this season of Atlanta Housewives – Everyone will hate NENE!  For the past few seasons, KIM has been the one the others have had issues.  No more!  Just like Jersey has turned on Teresa Guidice, NENE will be the one to read like a checkout copy of the National Enquirer.

And what is with these "appearances" that SHEREE is supposedly making to "events and uptown parties."  What is the point?  Does she give her views on world piece or how to solve Occupy Wall Street?  Wonder if I can hire her for my Christmas par-tay?

Great beginning for an interesting season, still loving MISS PHAEDRA!!

Call Him Miss Ross! 

HAAAAYYYY!!  OK …….. After a long week of studying and test taking, CALL HIM MISS ROSS decided to hit the 2011 Gwinnett County Fair last night with I'M JUST SAYING and POWER TRAMP.  What a true hoot and a hollar!

Before I go dear readers, yes, I know that the photos are all jacked up.  I do not know why.  Just tilt your head a little!  :) And yes, I actually rode that big ol' Ferris Wheel!

Anyway, back to the fair, which can be best summed up in these immortal words by I'M JUST SAYING – "there are a lot of pre-teens here who are having pre-marital sex."  Truer words have never been spoken!

As I walked with the ladies through the live stock, carnival games, and rides which you hope were put together with all of the correct pieces, I began to ponder the mysteries of such of a happening – all the while gobblin' down a jumbo corn dog, nachos, one deep fried oreo, a pretzel AND some cotton candy! 

Question .. Is the 2011 trend in carnival wear for teens also known as Hookers-R-US?

Question .. what did everyone do 15 years ago when no one had smart phones in which to text or Facebook every three seconds?  Did they actually talk to each other?

Question .. There are some pretty "interesting" people at the fair .. do they really live in Georgia?  Are these people really my neighbors?

Question .. $5 admission for adults, $2 admission for children, then at least $5 PER PERSON for EACH RIDE, plus food, drinks, games, etc.  How are these families affording this?  Six Flags is cheaper in the long run.

Question .. last night was the Miss Gwinnett County Pageant.  Why were there only 50 or so people in attendance?

Question .. Haven't these fair people ever heard of crown control?  The lines for the popular rides would stretch on forever! 

Question .. isn't this a fabulous picture of POWER TRAMP jumping around on one of those bungee "thing-ees," which coincedentally was also named POWER TRAMP! 

 But a more important question is, how incredibly fantastic is this hat I had spray painted?

Great night with great friends!

Call Him Miss Ross! 

A Big Ol HAYYYYYYYY!!  As I'm sure my dear readers realize, many questions about life perplex The Diva.  WHY are stores such as Target and Wal-Mart already having back-to-school sales, when school just ended 5 weeks ago?  I'm concerned about today's school children because they must feel like the road company of The Judds Farewell Tour – never ending!  [P.S. to Wynonna and Naomi, sometimes it is better to have people actually miss you.]  WHY is TNT bringing back the tv show DALLAS??  However, I must say that Linda Gray looks damn good!  And why has Atlanta news anchor Monica Kaufman assumed the identity of Dog the Bounty Hunter, in order to track down former Atlanta Public Schools superintendent, Beverly Hall, in Hawaii?

But dear reader, today my questions on life turn to The Diva's beloved pug, Mr. Roscoe, and his inability to go marching into the unknown.  Before I begin, please note that this is a dog who can hear another creature outside, jump up from a full sleeping position, and bark at the moon.  Those little lungs truly believe what Aimee Mann of Til Tuesday sang, "Voices Carry!"

HOWEVER, if there is any sound that occurs in the middle of the night, WHO has to get up of bed and go downstairs?  WHO has to trudge down the stairs, heart beating with anxiety, possibly with a flashlight in hand?  THE DIVA!!!!!  What about my 30 pound attack dog?

If Mr. Man is so inclined he will wait at the top of the stairs, although most of the time he remains in bed, only to take up more of my sleeping area [a comment about that further down].  But if he does come to the top of the stairs, Mr. Roscoe acts like Jill from Charlie's Angels waiting for Sabrina [who you know they always sent in the really bad situations, due to her "butch" demeanor] to radio back to HQ that everything is alright.

What happened to Diva's best friend?  What about my safety?  What about my limited space on the bed?

Which brings up another situation I want to address.  Since the last post, The Diva has received several comments from she who will remain un-named but works for an attorney in Atlanta, that Mr. Roscoe was being treated unfairly, and that she did not believe my accusations of his bed-hogging.  Therefore, in response, I present the picture below.

Apologies and comments are always welcome at The Dog And The Diva!

CHMR!! 

Stop In The Name Of Moo!!  It's Cow Appreciation Day!!

Mr. Roscoe and I would like to wish Miss Gina and anybody else who celebrates .. Happy Cow Appreciation Day!!  May the lines at Chick-Fil-A be short and sweet!

I don't know who owns the pug in the picture above, but I'm thinking this is a possible costume for Mr. Man. 

We Love You Miss Gina!  

CHMR and Mr. Roscoe! 

HAYYYYYYYY!!  Dear readers, I believe it is my civic duty to warn you of a crime which is slowly spreading across the nation, perhaps in your own homes – Pugs Who Hog The Bed!!

I know, because I am the victim of a Professional Pug Bed Hogger!  I feel the need to share my story [gee I wish Oprah was still on the air - nationwide exposure], so that others do not fall victim.

The above photo is one of my Mr. Roscoe.  Cute, loving, a little chunky, with a tongue that hardly stays in his mouth.  To some, he is a perfect angel sent straight from heaven, or some such nonsense which someone I know repeats – constantly.  Well, readers underneath the floppy ears and curly tail, lies the heart of a cold blooded bed hogger!

Mr. Roscoe and I "share" a queen sized mattress, which should be more than enough room for my diva-model figure and his "30" pounds.  I don't want to give out his true weight, due to fear of receiving a call from the vet about this weight "issue."  Now when I get in bed, I usually sleep on the right side, thereby giving Mr. Man more than enough room to spread out lengthwise and snore away!  And this is one pug who likes to snore!

However, this is what I usually wake up to in the middle of the night:

Pictured above is a recent photo of Roscoe [middle] and Peabody [right], who was spending the night.  As the physical evidence suggests, Mr. Man has not only absconded with one of my pillows, but he has plopped his fanny in the middle of the bed.  Roscoe has actually given Peabody more room on the bed, then I usually find myself holding onto for dear life at 3:00 AM.

People who are victims of Professional Pug Bed Hoggers know that anxious half asleep / half awake feeling, where you want to move sooo bad, but are more afraid of falling off the bed, or the ultimate sin, disturbing the pug.

Now I have had owners of boxers, beagles, pythons and cats ask me, "why don't you just move Roscoe over?"  I look them right in the face and say in a shaking voice, "have you ever received the pug sigh?"  "Have you?!?!"  One little sigh can convey the following sentence, "I know you did not just do that you fool-I guess you don't want to wake up tomorrow morning-guess who is not only going to receive a cold wake-up lick on his head, but also his neck because I know you hate that!!" 

Or I've had other friends suggest that I simply buy Roscoe his own king size bed, and that I should sleep in the guest room!  Hello!?!?  Who goes off to work each day, so that Mr. Man has plenty of Dingo treats? 

So you see dear readers, this is why you must remain on the vigilant alert for those Professional Pug Bed Hoggers.  If you have a pug, I suggest that you install some type of electric security fence in the middle of your bed.  Yes, it will be an inconvenience and possibly shocking at first, but oh the joy of that first night's sleep, completely stretched out in your own bed.

Now I know there will be some readers who think I being too harsh on Mr. Man.  But let me give you a little additional insight – after Roscoe wakes me up by licking on my head, we go downstairs so that he can go potty and have breakfast.  When I go back upstairs to get dressed, Roscoe not only jumps back on the bed, but also manages to move my pillow to the center of the bed, plop down and go back to sleep!  And this is the same pug who has the nerve to yawn when I get home in the afternoon!

Love me some Mr. Roscoe! 

CHMR!