OK .. my day actually started to go downhill yesterday, when I was reading Joe.My.God.'s blog entry about the characters of Luke and Noah on AS THE WORLD TURNS. I will admit that I have hardly ever watched the soap [back when I used to watch daytime soaps, my drama of choice was THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS]. Apparently, Luke and Noah were the first gay couple in "soap-dom" to be shown pre-sex, kissing up a storm, and then post-sex [in only towels no less], still kissing up a storm. As one of Joe's readers remarked, "we've come a long way since THIRTY SOMETHING showed two men in bed [after they had sex]."
Anyway, either due to the emotion of the scene, or just my mood, I was hit again with the harsh realization that I have never known any type of love like these two characters were experiencing. Yes, I realize that this was just TV, and the characters were probably only experiencing passion, but still, at almost 40, I have never know that kind of feeling.
I have had crushes on other guys, as well as sex [which is usually only a one time and too far in between experience], but not that true feeling of love. For the past year, I know that I have been consciously telling myself that, at this stage of the game, it is not going to happen [and NO i do not believe in the statement, "when you least expect it ......"; that type of comment usually comes from someone who has already had their first, second and probably third "serious" relationship]. Therefore, I try to tell myself to just be happy with what I do have. But sometimes realizations hit you in the face.
And speaking of being hit in the face, ….. today, one of my co-workers yelled out my last name and asked a question. For most people, calling someone by their last name, without Mr. or Ms./Mrs., is a common greeting. For myself, I HATE being called by only my last name. My hatred is not due to my name but from when it was used in the past, namely middle and high school PE.
Among my many stereotypical gay traits, being picked on from kindergarten through 10th grade is one that I deliberately try to suppress. Yes, I was a kid that was picked on very harshly in school. I never really told my parents about the treatment, and this was before schools were advised to be on the lookout for such bullying for fear that they may be sued for inaction. Beaten up in the gym, called every name in the book, becoming over paranoid with any friendship and having people write all sorts on crap on your clothes are just the tip of the iceberg .. all due to some traits that you could not really explain or sometimes notice.
Anyway, I hated PE because that is when I felt the most vulnerable and when the "torture" was the most frequent. And in every PE class, that lined you up and checked your attendance by only calling your last name.
So when my co-worker noticed that I would not turn around or respond to his question, I simply said, "Please call me blah blah, hey you, but not just my last name" [hey, hey Call Him Miss Ross 
]. Of course everyone else was like "oooooooo, ok," and I went back to work. No, you do not know what it is like to experience that type of treatment and humiliation for 10+ years.
Anyway, in the middle of all feelings during the past two days, I have listened at length with two friends about their relationships, encouraged at length about their jobs and relationships, and tried to be a friend at length .. only to have them never ask just once, "how are you?"
