HAYYYYY!!  OK …….. I already know what you're thinking!  "What a fantastic Christmas hat, that looks like it was made to be worn by a true DIVA!!  And I'm so jealous that I don't have one!"  Well, you should feel a little tinge of Christmas Grinch envy, but not much since it is the season!

This INCREDIBLE hat was given to me by my friend KATHY B, who thought I need a little holiday pick me up.  I LOVE THIS HAT!!  Not only is it beyond stylish, but it also plays music [hence the little "press here" sticker], lights up AND the tip goes up and down!

THANK YOU again Kathy B!  I needed this little Christmas reminder!

WHY?

Well, for those who do not know, Uganda is in the process of passing legislation that would allow for the death penalty of known gay men and women, as well as the incarceration of those who knew of gay people and did not alert the government within 24 hours.  Naturally human rights groups and some European governments [but not our President, only Hillary] are making public statements, but to no avail.

So, you think to yourself, who actually visits Uganda?  Why should I care?  That is just one country in Africa.  But now leaders in Rwanda are putting forth similar laws.  On top of these developments, the BBC actually held an internet debate with the title, "Should Homosexuals Face Execution?"  Due to an outcry, the title was changed to, "Should Uganda Debate Gay Execution?"  Ever heard of the domino effect?

PEOPLE!  This is really happening in the world.  A sad and very scary gay hatred that is beginning to show up everywhere.

I really needed this hat today. 

HAYYYYY!!  OK, had a long and tough day at the office.  Fortunately, I have Mr. R waiting for me at home.  And I received this month's issue of OUT magazine.  Since we are coming up on the Pride months, this is their special double issue .. Pet Shop Boys on the front!

Why the Melissa Manchester video of her singing "Don't Cry Out Loud" with the Muppets?  Well, for one, the video is just too messed up.  We are talking B-A-D interpretative dance, but I'm loving that muppet on the high wire.  What is her story?  In other words, the video is perfect to me!  I wonder how Melissa's agent got her to go on The Muppet Show?  But I can't say to much, Miss Ross did the same.

The other reason, I am truly mad/pissed/hurt/frustrated by two individuals.  One I know that I can [hopefully] calm down and talk to, the other, has just pushed the line a little too far.  Maybe this is why I love the high wire muppet?

"Don't cry out loud,

Just keep it inside,

Learn how to hide your feelings …….."

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice …….. 

HAYYYYY!!  OK …….. I had a pretty lousy day today.  A comment was made [to me, about me] that I was very bothered by, and to be honest, hurt about.  I do not know why the comment was made, but I kept on replaying it in my head, on and on.  When people mean to make hurtful comments, do they truly realize the long range pain that has been caused?

While I'm on the topic of causing pain, …….. I often read the devotional "Our Daily Bread," before going to bed.  When I was looking through the topics, I found two particularly kind chapters on dealing with those sinful gay people.  The jist of the devotionals was that Christians should hate the sin but love the sinner [so like Miss California .. I just had to ].  Love your son or daughter if they are gay, but do not accept their partner, children, job, or the fact that you may have to depend on them in your old age.  Why does no one talk about the fact that most single or gay children end up taking care of their parents?  Believe me, the married ones will dump their parents off at the nearest nursing home, while on their way to Disneyland.

My favorite article stated that you could have your gay child over for dinner, and even invite their partner.  But you must let them know upfront that the dinner will be civilized and that you do accept their lifestyle or recognize them as a couple.

What are these people thinking?  Your child will enter the house already having sex with their partner, while the parent has to remind them that the Stouffers Mac and Cheese will not be served until they dress and eat in separate rooms?

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice …….. 

HAYYYYY!!  OK .. Ever feel like you are never going to learn a lesson until it physically hits you right in the face?  That is how I'm feeling now.

Basically, I feeling used and more than a little abused by a few self absorbed and two faced individuals. 

With one I try to go out of my way to keep the friendship going, only to have my head slammed against the wall while listening to an endless lists of their problems .. when they can spare the time to actually talk.  Another I have warned myself to not get close, to keep the entire relationship "on the surface," but even that gets me in trouble.

I've been told recently, jokingly and serious, that I am a moody person or let my emotions get the best of me.  However, when I see others go "off on a tangent," nothing is mentioned because that is expected of that person.  Huh?

I guess I'm just venting because my blogs are far less expensive than counseling, and also because I'm just tired of trying.  Tired of trying to work on friendships that don't really exist, tired of trying to keep my spirits up ["because that is what is expected of me"], tired of trying to find a life, just tired.

Today, I don't even want to go back to the Hall of Justice ……..

HAYYYYY!!  OK …….. For some reason, I have been really edgy and tired this entire week.  I do not know if it is because of all the lay-offs and let-gos that I hear about, or just general anxiety, but this has been a low week.  My emotions / feelings / whatever came crashing down yesterday at work.  I overreacted to a funny [in hindsight] April Fools joke.  Personally, I have never understood April Fools, but I'm glad everybody was having fun.

I think part of my "edginess" came from a few comments made early in the week.  Recently, I've had family and friends ask that "keep the conversation going" question, "So what have you been doing / up to / going on?"  I usually respond with "not much," or "the usual, working."  I say this because I know the people who ask this are not sincerely interested in how I respond.  They are just hoping that I say "blah," so we can get back to them.  I mean, why share with an uninterested person how Mr. R is doing, what I'm trying to do with my blog, or what I would like to do with my home?

I personally love what the PINK PRINCESS told me I should say the next time [due to our love for THE TUDORS], "I'm the fucking King of England!  And you?"

Anyway, I'm glad that this week is almost over.

However, there has been a bright spot besides Mr. R …….. my favorite podcast, GAY PIMPIN' WITH JONNY MCGOVERN!  I love this podcast!  I only discovered Jonny, Linda James [LOVE HER] and Straighty Martin about 2 years ago.  But since their podcasts are free, I've been able to download all 6 seasons from I-tunes.  Jonny and Linda are not into the "pretty" gay world of Will and Grace, but are from New York's downtown drag scene.  And they often interview "stars" that mainstream publications will not touch such as Kevin Aviance, Martha Wash, Sherry Vine, RuPaul [pre drag race upswing in popularity], and, and one of my DJ heroes ……..

JUNIOR VASQUEZ!

As Kevin Aviance would say, there are DJ's and then there is Junior [but more on him later ........]

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice …….. 

OK .. this picture of me and LADY BUNNY [thanks PP] is the one thing that made today half way OK.  Why:

1.  I had a broker tell my boss that the main reason we do not get much business from them, is because the customer service rep has "issues" with me.  Nevermind that I have been working with this rep for over 2 years and nothing has been said or indicated.  But when we begin to close their contract [due to their lack of business], the broker suddenly calls my boss and blames it on me.

2.  I met up with someone tonight that turned out to be a mistake.  Let's see, that makes 100+ mistakes with no successes.  I'm doing good!

3.  There must be a sign on me that says, "treat him like Mikey from the cereal commercial."  In other words, Call Him Miss Ross will not mind, he loves to:

a.  Clean out the coffee pot so that the building will not burn down.  Nevermind that he does not drink coffee.

b.  Everybody take a 1.5 to 2 hour lunch.  We are sure that Call Him Miss Ross can wait until past 2pm to go to lunch.

Meanwhile back at the Hall of Justice ……..

OK .. my day actually started to go downhill yesterday, when I was reading Joe.My.God.'s blog entry about the characters of Luke and Noah on AS THE WORLD TURNS.  I will admit that I have hardly ever watched the soap [back when I used to watch daytime soaps, my drama of choice was THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS].  Apparently, Luke and Noah were the first gay couple in "soap-dom" to be shown pre-sex, kissing up a storm, and then post-sex [in only towels no less], still kissing up a storm.  As one of Joe's readers remarked, "we've come a long way since THIRTY SOMETHING showed two men in bed [after they had sex]."

Anyway, either due to the emotion of the scene, or just my mood, I was hit again with the harsh realization that I have never known any type of love like these two characters were experiencing.  Yes, I realize that this was just TV, and the characters were probably only experiencing passion, but still, at almost 40, I have never know that kind of feeling.

I have had crushes on other guys, as well as sex [which is usually only a one time and too far in between experience], but not that true feeling of love.  For the past year, I know that I have been consciously telling myself that, at this stage of the game, it is not going to happen [and NO i do not believe in the statement, "when you least expect it ......"; that type of comment usually comes from someone who has already had their first, second and probably third "serious" relationship].  Therefore, I try to tell myself to just be happy with what I do have.  But sometimes realizations hit you in the face.

And speaking of being hit in the face, ….. today, one of my co-workers yelled out my last name and asked a question.  For most people, calling someone by their last name, without Mr. or Ms./Mrs., is a common greeting.  For myself, I HATE being called by only my last name.  My hatred is not due to my name but from when it was used in the past, namely middle and high school PE.

Among my many stereotypical gay traits, being picked on from kindergarten through 10th grade is one that I deliberately try to suppress.  Yes, I was a kid that was picked on very harshly in school.  I never really told my parents about the treatment, and this was before schools were advised to be on the lookout for such bullying for fear that they may be sued for inaction.  Beaten up in the gym, called every name in the book, becoming over paranoid with any friendship and having people write all sorts on crap on your clothes are just the tip of the iceberg .. all due to some traits that you could not really explain or sometimes notice.

Anyway, I hated PE because that is when I felt the most vulnerable and when the "torture" was the most frequent.  And in every PE class, that lined you up and checked your attendance by only calling your last name.

So when my co-worker noticed that I would not turn around or respond to his question, I simply said, "Please call me blah blah, hey you, but not just my last name" [hey, hey Call Him Miss Ross ].  Of course everyone else was like "oooooooo, ok," and I went back to work.  No, you do not know what it is like to experience that type of treatment and humiliation for 10+ years.

Anyway, in the middle of all feelings during the past two days, I have listened at length with two friends about their relationships, encouraged at length about their jobs and relationships, and tried to be a friend at length .. only to have them never ask just once, "how are you?"